Two thousand and fourteen

Host: Undoolya Station
Written by Nikita Hayes

Trigger warning. Sexual violence, sexual assault, and suicide are some topics mentioned in this blog.

Let me tell you a little about my story and how I was taken over by depression. This is a very hard story for me to write as I have not told many people.

In 2014, I was out with a few friends in Alice Springs, there was a club called Evolution. Evolution wasn’t the best of clubs, it was always so dark and smelly. I messaged a friend and told her I’d meet her at another place called Rockbar.

As you do when you go out, you start to have a good time and I had a little to drink. As I was walking down the street I decided to take a short cut and went to cross the grass where the church was. I was wearing my dress and heels, normally I won’t wear a dress but I had just bought a new one and loved it. As I was walking across the grass I heard and felt someone following me, I was feeling pretty funny in the gut, and the nerves hit, as I kept walking the noise was getting closer so I walked faster and got my phone out. All of a sudden a man came out of nowhere holding a knife in his hand, I couldn’t move, I was in so much shock, he was wearing all back and with a mask on so I couldn’t see his face, he told me to give him my phone, and my purse. 

He then pushed me onto the ground and was on top of me…

It felt like it went forever, I’ll save all the details as it’s hard enough to write this.

When he was finished, he told me if I were to tell anyone, a member of my family would be hurt or killed. I was then left there, I lost my voice, I wasn’t able to scream, I felt like I had a huge apple stuck in my throat, I wasn’t able to move, I just lay there crying.

I finally got the courage to pick myself up off the ground, walked to my car and drove home.

I wasn’t able to sleep that night or for a couple weeks after, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know if anyone would believe me. Soon after I went into a depression mode, I started wanting to commit suicide, I tried to overdose on pills, with anything I could find. I had thought about shooting myself and I started to cut myself.

I started to think that no one would care if I wasn’t here. I was upset all the time about nothing, or the slightest thing would make me cry.

I don’t really remember how I got over it but I think a lot of it was to do with family members and friends passing away. I had seen how hard it was for a family to deal with it and I didn’t want that for my family. I didn’t want to hurt them, I didn’t want them to have to be at my funeral thinking that they could have helped me.

I was never brave enough to tell the police, and until a few days ago my family had no idea.

I don’t know the person who did it, and I never want to. I’d rather not know and move on with my life. I’ve never been so happy – I love my life and I love my family, I wouldn’t have changed anything about my life. I had always heard of stories with girls or boys being raped, and I never thought that one day it would happen to me.

I have not fully moved on from that stage of my life, I still think about it but with big help from my dog Toby, he was always there when I needed and hug or just to talk to, I somehow felt he knew how hurt I was. I have never been so happy to be here living my life to the fullest! I’ve made so many great friends over the years, and made so many amazing memories.

Life may get you down sometimes but there are always people around you that care and love you. I myself am always here if someone is going through something and just needs to talk. I don’t want sympathy from anyone, I just want people to know that things happen, and no matter what it is you will always have someone. You’re never alone.

If you are experiencing depression or are suicidal, or know someone who is, help is available.

Lifeline: 13 11 14

Beyond Blue: 1300 224 636

Mindspot: 1800 61 44 34

Men’s Shed:

Suicide Prevention Information for Aboriginal & Torres Strait Islander people